04 April 2004

From the mailing room floor

I just came across a piece of writing from sometime last year. It was
deemed “highly inappropriate” for Tiger Magazine when I sent it to the
mailing list. Fortunately, this website has no such standards.

The Mouthpiece answers your questions about Princeton, part I.

Q: I mobilized hundreds of undergraduates to put up thousands of
posters around the campus advertising our lecture, “The Joys and Toys
of Gay Sex.” But some thoughtless reactionary Limbaugh-listening Nazi
Neanderthals tore them all down! Who was it, so we can send the
Rainbow Squad to their door?
Sincerely, Debra B.

A: Debra, The unposterings you witnessed were not random acts of
homophobia. Nor they motivated by the self-denying same-sex urges of
the members of the campus Greek system, or even by Tory writers.

No, the truth is far more sinister. These teardowns all point to one
sinister organization. There is one group at Princeton who cannot,
absolutely cannot, abide homosexuality. They rue the day when
Princetonians elect not to be fruitful and multiply. They curse when a
Princeton man refers to his “boyfriend” in a non-ironic fashion. When
they see a Princeton woman wearing a pink triangle, they grind their
teeth. And nothing irks them more than watching students flounce
along the campus walkways.

This isn’t the Robert P. George Society, though they’re a close

The individuals responsible for tearing down your posters are the men
and women of Annual Giving. Every Princetonian who gives up breeding
for butt-loving deprives Princeton of their most effective alumni
chokehold, namely the question implicit in every AG letter: “If I send
in the cash, will that improve Junior’s chances?” If “Junior” is
really a washed-up 22-year-old performance actor from upstate New York
who Dave Princeton ’98 met at a circuit party, where do you think the
AG letter’s going? Straight into the wastebasket, where it can
languish beside an empty tube of K-Y.

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